Monday, November 22, 2004


Long-time readers, you may remember how things worked last time around: I go to my grandmother's, where I can't access the Internet, and I don't want to rack up a half-hour's worth of verbal abuse time, so I'm preposting! You know it! I've got (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday) six posts to post all at once! Thus, this introductory bit, and then five links to interesting diversions, accompanied by one hundred years of solitude words to read and enjoy. Read and enjoy! And people, people, pace yourself! I know you want to read it all at once, smothering yourself in my rich, creamy text, but hold off! Think of tomorrow. Think of the future! Think of the children!

Take 'em one at a time, y'all!

November 24th.
Let them sing it for you! No, seriously, let them. Come on, what have you got to lose? Okay, what it is, is some sort of dealie that turns your sentences (provided you don't like to use big, fancy words like 'hedgemony' or 'blank') into words culled from songs. It's like aliens are communication with you through your car radio. Only they aren't going to take you away and give you a super suit that you lose the instructions to. And you don't have a blonde afro. Additional bonus! Send oddly worded, musical treats to your enemies/loved ones! I recommend "I will destroy you and all that you hold dear," myself, but let your imagination run wild. Wild!

November 25th. Student's for an Orwellian Society! Because Amber mentioned it a few days prior, after picking up on my very subtle reference to the one novel, about the one year, that that one guy wrote? You know, Mumbly Jim, or something like that? Regardless, it's your basic social parody, overly eager approval of the current political administration to display its disapproval of it, sort of thing. But it's gets points for translating Google News into newspeak. Neat! Good effort, little Big Brothers. Doubleplusgood, no, make that tripleplusgood. And an increase in your chocolate rations. And a life of basically voluntary slavery, which is a word I'm sure you don't know, so I'll just say it means... uh... candy. Now stop thinking!

November 26th.
The Virgin Mary! On a a sandwich! For sale! On eBay! No, really! Someone made a grilled cheese sandwich, which charred into a vaguish semblance of the Madonna, and now wants over fifteen thousand dollars for it. There's a point where you have to say to yourself: What loving god would allow miracles that lame? Eh? I tell you, when I obtain omnipotence, which is inevitable, I'm going to be a lot more sensible. A bush that burns but does not consume; now, that's classic! An awkward portrait on a buttery foodstuff? Not so much. I'll keep those cheese sandwiches in the mouths of my worshippers, where they belong. I'll make that one of my amendments. I mean commandments. "Thou shalt not attach significance to coincidence. If the cloud looks like a bunny, it's because you're thinking of bunnies while looking at clouds."

November 27th.
Whores! No, not the sex kind of whores, although there may be some folks like that. Rather, this appears to be some sort of forum where you can offer or purchase whatever skills you have or need to sell. Or buy. Um... yeah, there's a whole lot of folks offering a whole lot of stuff. A lot. But an arch nemesis, or a film crew, or someone to... scare your monkey? Yes, there's a guy who will scare your monkey. For $10 an hour. In Sweden. No apes! Any conceivable skill, from leaning on a car, to subtle implications of possible oral sex, there's some whore out there who will do it for a reasonable price. I should sell myself, if I only had a service to provide. You know, besides monkey scaring.

November 28th.
I should come back today! I'll make an actual post upon my arrival!


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