Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Time to pitchblende.

Shit. Air travel.

Shit. Shit. Air travel. Shit.

I don't like air travel. And you know, it's not the plane itself (I have complete faith in the Bernoulli Principle and its practical application vis-a-vis heavier-than-air cross-country travel-motion), nor is it the terrorism aspect (men infinitely more politically-savvy than I could give you long talks about risk-benefit analyses and relative likelihoods of car accidents and unavoidables like cancer. Me, I just pretend that I'm immune to things I can't do anything about, and it suits me fine), nor is it the security hassles (as ingrained as airplanes are in the nation's infrastructure, I'm fairly sure they could get away with forcing passengers to abandon all their belongings at the gate and take the ride bare-ass naked. Actually, that sounds like an amazingly good idea, so I'm calling dibs on it as soon as I have an airline of my own. The nation is just about ready for Delta After Dark).

No, the problem I have is the large-man's curse... airplanes are designed for you small people. Coming out here, my left knee was pressed firmly into the pocket of the seat-back in front of me, and my right leg was straight-up in the aisle, irritating the stewardspersons. I could touch the roof of the cabin with my ear if I so desired. WITH MY EAR. WHAT THE FUCK.

Coming out I was in a one-chair-wide column, and the cabin curved such that my head was tilted slightly to the right for two-and-a-half hours. Going back, I'm in a two-chair-wide column, and I can only hope that the person riding by my side is a midget or a pretty girl, because about thirty percent of me will be spending the ride home in her seat. Also, while I'm hoping, maybe she'll bring a deck of cards and have smuggled on, like, chocolate milkshakes through means I don't want to think about. Sorcery, maybe. Yes, she is a pretty-midget magic-user. Ideally.

Sigh, I'm going to end up riding next to a creepy middle-aged man with Views and the desire to Share Them aren't I?

...good lord, I used a lot of hyphens today!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just be happy there were no snakes on your plane. (I just saw the movie--2 huge thumbs up)

8/17/2006 9:31 PM  
Anonymous AAMF said...

Also, I think I get the award for being the only other sentence to use pitchblende correctly in a sentence, because you know, it's possible to incorrectly use a word that was made up by Ed.

8/18/2006 7:06 AM  
Anonymous AAMF said...

I meant person. They really should have an edit button. I ain't got time to be previewing my post! I'm a busy man!

8/18/2006 7:07 AM  

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