Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Stereoscopic 3-D glasses were awesome, weren't they? You know, one eye's red, one eye's blue, so everything looks sort of 3-D and totally purple. Technically, those are called 'anachromatic viewers', stemming from the Latin 'anas' meaning "butt", and 'chronos', meaning "the Klingon Homeworld". How this came to describe three dimentional images remains a scientific mystery, but for the most part, people believe it stems from one scientist insulting another one's large, interestingly-shaped forehead. Things quickly got out of hand, as they are wont to do when scientists go wild (too hot for PBS!).

You see, Dr. Heinrich Buttafaski was a hotshot young imaging wiz at one of those government labs where they put people who would otherwise be curing diseases the government finds it prudent to keep active (AIDS, cancer, the bends, disco fever, et cetera), he ran afoul of rival scienceomancer, Dr. Ivel Villianov, who was offended by the young hotshot's flippant, rule-bending scientific tactics. Also, Heinrich got all the chicks. ALL of them, including Villianov's wife, Syalut. As a result, Villianov used science (and magic) to create a magical (and scientific) serum/potion designed to enact an ironic punishment... Buttafaski's ass and forehead would forever switch places!

Dr. Villianov had a poor understanding of irony.

The potion/serum had it's desired result, and Heinrich was forced into hiding, shunned by proper society. However, Syalut, in her sadness, offed herself in a way best left unrecorded. It was impressive, though. She contained more blood than her size would have led the casual observer to suspect. However, she was a vampire. So there you go.

Dr. Villianov, enraged beyond all reason at this turn of events, decided that in one last blast of petty bitchery, he would steal Heinrich's plans for the '3-D Awesome-O-scope', as it was then called, and sell them as 'anachromatic viewers', forever ruining Heinrich, and forcing him to constantly relive the deformity that led to his downfall. At least, whenever he saw someone wearing 3-D glasses, which, let's face it, isn't all that often, despite the rampant popularity of The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D.


I don't care what the history books say, that's the way it happened. I promise.


Anonymous AAMF said...

I believe you! I believe you times a million!

8/23/2006 11:05 AM  

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