Sunday, December 09, 2007

The Eight Things I Can Cook

  • Crepes and...
  • Curry. I'm counting these as separate even though I made 'em together, because they could be served on their own; but because I have a little bit of integrity, I'm not going to count my Crepes Midorette again.
  • French Toast. Invented by the English as a way to save the last remains of stale bread, sour milk, and floating eggs, and so named because the English didn't much like the French at the time. Which is to say, at any given point in history.
  • Pasta. A grand and simple category, within which I will include all pseudo-foodstuffs of the Ramenical variety. Standard college fare, if I couldn't cook it I'd be dead. Dead! DEAD!
  • Baked Potatoes. It takes so long to cook one in a conventional oven that sometimes I put one in there, even when I'm not hungry, because by the time it gets done, it'll still be fucking delicious and I will eat it anyway, hungry or no. Hell, I won't even give it time to cool. Krum krum krum krum krum.
  • Garlic Bread. Delicious, delicious garlic bread... it can substitute for a meal if you want it to, and frankly, you will want it to. Mmmm. Also, it can be made with as little as three ingredients in about fifteen minutes.
  • Eggs. The great thing about eggs isn't so much that they are ridiculously easy to cook, but that every conceivable way of screwing them up is a legitimate way to prepare them, complete with a history, serving suggestion, and team of chefs prepared to tell you that you've screwed them up in the wrong way. Fail to hard boil it, and it's been poached. Fuck up your omelet? Then it's scrambled! Drop it on the floor? L'oeufs du Plancher are very popular in some of your sillier regions of France.
  • Burgers and Fries. It is a basic requirement of manhood to be able to cook a hamburger. Grilling is one of the few cooking skills built directly into the Y chromosome, which, let's face it, is an otherwise crappy little pissant of a chromosome. Anyway, I can do both the meat style and the garden style, and can even assemble the base materials without access to a grill. Also, I can french a mean fry on the skillet, but I count these two skills together because while the foods are seperable, technically, they really SHOULDN'T be.


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