Saturday, March 25, 2006

Hoo-boy. This is gonna be a long one.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been quite a week. I know I've been exceedingly remiss in my postage later, and I hope to remedy this in the future, and part of my up-making will be in the form of this exceedingly lengthy post. Of course, a massive block of text don't make for interesting reading, which is why, if it's all the same to you loyal viewers, I'm going to break out my personal favorite literary device, what I like to call the Conversation Approach.

"Is that the one where you alternate normal paragraphs representing yourself with quoted paragraphs ostensibly being written by a figment of your imagination, generally expressed as a mildly antagonistic employee-figure with a Latino name?"

That's right, Ernesto!

"Can that even be considered a literary device?"

Don't contradict me!

"Sorry, sir, won't happen again. So let's talk about this week, shall we?"

Excellent distraction! Yes, this has been a week for books, Ernesto. Imagine, if you will, an emotional roller coaster of truly epic proportions, a rocket-propelled cart on a track made of pointy rocks held together with chewing gum and hope, whose depths scraped the bedrock in pitch-dark caverns of hopelessness, whose heights rose past all reason until one could look up the skirts of angels, and whose twists and turns and hairpin turns sped along at such intensity that women who were pregnant decades ago were not allowed on, lest the sheer intensity injure the fetus IN THE PAST.

"... I don't think I'm capable of imagining that."

Doesn't matter. Point is, On Sunday I was twenty types of excited to be back at school--

"Don't forget about the showers with decent water pressure."

Oh right! I was twenty-one types of excited to be back! But then by Tuesday something happened.

"Poultrycide?"

Eh?

"Murder most fowl?"

... that would have been a lame pun if it were appropriate in the least. As it stands... screw you. Moving on. Ernesto, I am crazy--

"Oh, as crazy as they come, boss."

No, I'm not using this as a synonym for 'zany', I mean there's a very likely chance that something's terribly wrong in my head.

"Oh, as crazy as they come, boss."

Dammit, man! I'm trying to be serious here!

"No you're not! If you were trying to be serious, I certainly wouldn't be here. I'm a method of acknowledging the fact that you were a stone's throw away from a nervous breakdown, in a public forum, but simultaneously distancing yourself from it, not to mention subtly indicating to the public that you're feeling good enough to treat the event with nonchalance and even levity."

...

"I mean... sorry, boss. Would you like to go into painful detail about being paralyzed with indecision, or desperate to get away, or too depressed to hold a conversation?"

Anyway... that brought us to Thursday, but fellow crazy person Ambs worked her magic magic, as she does, and got back to something like normal. And from there, the sky was the limit! Life could once again unfold into a expanse of wonder and joy!

"You went to a party, didn't you?"

The veil of my own madness lifted, I once again saw the bright and shining colors of reality, the blinding kaleidoscope of amazement that all too often hides itself from observation!

"You got drunk, didn't you?"

I realized, what had disappeared was not just my sense of proportion, my capacity to cope with stress, no! As I rediscovered, my life had been devoid of substance! Of meaning! Of... passion!

"You made out with some girl."

Ernesto! I do not kiss and tell!

"Yes, but you kiss and show. Seriously, boss, you've got more hickie than neck right now."

I swear on Buddha's grave, I was minding my own business when some dude jumped out from behind a tree and hit me in the neck with a hammer.

"On both sides?"

...yes.

"With tooth marks?"

Man, some people get bitey. Is it my place to tell them to stop gnawing on my neck?

"Yes!"

Oh. Well... mumblemubleblushmumble.

"What's that?"

Nothing! Shut up! Go away! I'll kill you!

"Right... are we done here?"

Oh... oh yes. Let's never speak of this again.

"Done and done, boss."

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like the actions of a master whore.

3/27/2006 6:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like the actions of a master whore.

3/27/2006 6:44 PM  
Anonymous command2galaxy said...

Sounds to me like the actions of a master whore.

3/27/2006 6:46 PM  
Blogger mike said...

Sounds like the actions of a master whore.

3/27/2006 6:47 PM  

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