I've been... busy...

Oh, man... those last few hours were pretty fun. Although my hips ache something awful... and I'm all sweaty now. But it sure was nice. Oh, most people would have done it for fifteen, twenty minutes, tops, but that's for, well, lesser men than I. I know that truly memorable results require a lot of patience and-

"Stop."

-fore... what?

"Seriously, Ed, just stop. It's patently obvious what you're doing, but it's not working. OBVIOUSLY you weren't having sex."

I... I might have been...

"Nope. Face the facts, man:

• You just broke up with your girlfriend, and you know was well as I do that you're not nearly as over her as you'd like people to think.
• Even if you were instantly over her, there's no one for you to have sex with. You know maybe six women you'd consider becoming involved with; of those, we ignore Natasha, and find that two are taken, two are too far away, and I'm fairly sure that one is both.

Wait, you're fairly sure? Which part aren't you sure about?

"Oh, I know both parts, I'm just not sure about whether you'd consider her 'your type'."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're a living embodiment of my psyche, man! Shouldn't you know?

"Yeah, I'm the living embodiment... of your psyche."

... point.

"Anyway, I was in the middle of an unordered list, wasn't I? And I hadn't even dealt the V card yet!"

Oh, must you? I'm already up against the cultural mushigus of collegiate life, I don't need you coming down on me too!

"... okay, first of all: 'mushigus'? Secondly, I'm not coming down on you; if 22 is good enough for Eddie Izzard, it's good enough for anybody. Finally, it's pertinent to the discussion! You COULD have met some girl on the street and bedded her, but you wouldn't, as sex isn't the sort of thing you can take lightly. At least, not as an actual act, as an abstract concept you can hold a silly conversation with yourself and post it on your website for your friends and family and exes and strangers all to read, but that's neither here nor there."

Well, point in fact, it's here.

"Hush up. The message remains the same. You weren't having sex, so what were you doing? I imagine the sweat is due to the heat, and the hips hurt because you were sitting awkwardly, yes?"

Er... yeah. Cross legged on the floor, what they called 'Indian style' in Kindergarten. I don't imagine they call it that anymore...

"No, it's neither PC nor X-treme. So, I'm guessing, playing video games?"

Er... playing with LEGOs, actually.

"..."

...

"... dude, you're going to die a virgin."