Tuesday, June 08, 2004


When I own and operate a nationwide chain of movie theatres, which is frankly inevitable, I have a brilliant idea. Now... don't steal this. It's really brilliant, so you'll want to, but don't. My retirement is pretty much banking on this thing, you know.

Okay, here's the basic idea. For every major movie in my multiplex, you know, ye summer blockbusters that are going to be on half a dozen screens, I will set aside one of the theatres from the rest. It will be slightly smaller, and will cost less to get a ticket for it. This will be the 'Talker's Theatre'. Oh yes! You get a seat in the Talker's Theatre, then you have every right to discuss the relative merits of the lead actress's bifold body parts, practice your sad attempt at Mystery Science Theatre 3000 commentary, or merely explain to the star that, in spite of what may appear to have happened on screen, "oh no [he] di'nt! [He] di' not just do that!"

Do you see? Do you see how brilliant this plan is? The corollary to the Talker's Theatre, incidentally, will be this: in every other theatre, one employee will sit, disguised, in a random seat in the middle of the theatre, and every time he hears someone talking from more than a row away, he will murder them. Because if someone can't master the most basic rules of movie etiquette and let me watch the stupid disaster movie in peace, odds are no one is going to miss them.


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