Friday, January 16, 2004

Canonical Smiley List

I was using Google to get the correct spelling of "canonical", and ran into this list of smilies. Wow. So many. So many incredibly stupid smilies. Now here's a few I take issue with:
Smiley:Explanation:Why I loathe it:
C=}>;*{))A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin.This... this will never occur to any human being, ever. No! I don't care if it's theoretically possible, or even how lax your definitions of "drunk", "devilish", or "chef" are! The specific physical, emotional, and social criteria for this individual is too damnably specific... and then it's in an updraft! Then he has to log onto the internet, find the specific smiley relating to his already absurd situation and use it in a post, without letting his drunkenness or the wind blowing around his hat distract him, and then admit to the world at large that he is drunk, fat, and bald! Why?
!|:-( )Being brained by a baseball bat.Can anyone think of a more inappropriate activity to relate via ASCII characters? I mean, yeah, I know at some point everybody is going to get involved with the Mafia, and yes, borrow some money, and yes, we'll be unable to make a payment, and be met with some percussive repercussions courtesy of Mister Louisville Slugger, but... is it really necessary to post on Usenet while it's happening?
._)Suffering from Lorentz contraction.I... wst... buh... ig... GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO TO A HOSPITAL IF THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU! Also, the characters don't really look like contractions to me, maybe just "I'm pregnant".
+O:-)The Pope.I am going to say this once and only once: If some you know is so delusional that he (or she) actually believes himself to be the Pope (and I include the Pope himself in this category), maybe you should just let him be. I mean, it could be worse: classically the crazed believed themselves to be Napoleon Bonaparte, who was short and French and may or may not have been evil, I'm not sure (I'm no history buff), but he certainly was short and French. All the same, we shouldn't encourage people to think they're the Pope.
]:-)The Devil/ Smilie with a nurse hat/ Member of the Royal Family.So... this one little face represents the three utterly unrelated concepts of ultimate evil, modern medicine, and/or the monarchy. Too many possibilities for confusion! And if the devil is involved, the ensuing hi-jinx would not be zany in the least! Although, I wouldn't be above selling my soul to a nurse, if it was that cartoon nurse from the Animaniacs. But then, I don't think the Queen or the devil would much approve of that.
{:^=(Adolph Hitler.A.) It's Hitler? B.) It's... Hitler... C.) It's Hitler! D.) Hitler's nose was not that big. I mean, after all he's Hitler. E.) It's Hitler.
>>>>>:============User is a vegetable (asparagus).All right. You know what? You want to be asparagus? Go ahead. Keep chasing that rainbow.


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