I'm crying right now!

"But why, boss?"

Well, Horatio, guess!

"Hmm... are they tears of sadness, brought about by your being universally reviled and loathed and despised and any other synonym for 'hated'?"

Why, goodness no! It turns out, I'm super awesome, and everyone knows it! Go me!

"So why does it cry, Smeagol? Could it be because of the tragic ending of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?"

Well, tragic though it may be, I'm on chapter 6, so I don't think I've got cause for bawling yet. Although, I did get spoiled accidentally a while back (It turns out that Professor Snape is secretly... Batman. Who knew?), and that could be cause for a shed tear, but no. Not on this day.

"You know, I think I'm going the absolute wrong direction with this... these need not be tears of sadditude, they might very well be drops of joy. So let's see... are you a father?"

I certainly hope not! I harbor no desire to birth a savior, and I certainly don't intend to get into the responsibilities of child rearing whilst not getting to go through the fun part.

"Dang it all, boss! I have no idea, then! Why are you crying?"

The answer, my imaginary chum, is best expressed in three syllables: wasabi!

"Wah-saw-bee?"

Wasabi, friend! It's a spicy Japanese mustard, whose name roughly translates to 'OW MY FACE!'. It attacks the sinuses in a most... pleasantly unpleasant way.

"...you culinary pervert!"

I prefer 'mealtime masochist', myself, but it's all good. I also prefer my Special K out of a leather bowl.

"... breakfast bondage?"

That's the spirit! Now wait til you hear what's in store for teatime-

"Wait, doesn't your mother read this?"

Who do you think sent me the wasabi-coated cashews in the first place?

"Lord. You'd think I could go ONE DAY without the topic of ingested incest coming up."

Oooh, alliteration and assonance. You get a cookie for that!

"I DON'T WANT IT. I DON'T WANT ANY OF IT. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT."